{No Turning Back - part V}
May 10th, 1847
I walked with Susannah today. Tressy's got a cold and she rode in her wagon, so I got a good chance to talk to Susannah. We talked about lots of different things, and eventually the topic turned to boys, like I figured it would.
"My, there are so many fine prospects 'round here, aren't there, Callie?" Sometimes I think all a girl has to do is just-"
"Why do you call 'em that?" I cut her off.
"Call who what?" she blinked, caught off guard by my question.
"The fellas in our train. Why do you an' Tressy call 'em prospects?"
"Well, what else are they but prospects for marriage?"
"They're just fellas. They got feelings same as we do. They may not be lookin' to get married." I said, trying to keep my voice under control.
"It really rankles you, don't it?"
"Yeah, I guess it does."
"Why? Don't you wanna get married?"
"Course I do, someday. Maybe it's just that I don't like talkin' about them like they're just a hat you'd buy at a store. Just somethin' that you think about all the time, and you really like, but somethin' you don't really respect."
Susannah didn't say anything. I looked at her and said, " I upset you, didn't I?"
"No, you just made me think." Susannah looked back at me. "Thanks, Callie. I think you're right. But now what do I think about?" She said with a little laugh. "What do I do with my time? I used to spend it just lazin' around thinking of prosp- I mean, young men."
"Well, I don't think I ever had that problem, cause I've been takin' care of my family since my mama died." I said quietly. "Never had much time for thinkin', my hands were so busy. Maybe that's what you need to do. 'Stead of thinkin' about boys, start preparin' for marriage. Help your ma cook and clean. Learn while you're at it. Make what you can for a hope chest."
"You're a real help, ya know that, Callie?" Susannah linked arms with me. "I hope we get to be better friends."
It felt real good being a help. I hope Susannah really thinks about what I said.
May 11th, 1847
Today, as I followed the train, walking ever westward, I thought about what Susannah asked me yesterday, "Don't you ever wanna get married?" And I know that deep down the answer is yes. And someday is not as far off as I thought.
I told Susannah that yes, I did want to get married someday. But the more I thought about it, the sooner I want someday to be. I mean, I've always wanted to get married and have my own home and husband to care for. But now I'm older, and that dream of someday is getting to seem real. I'll soon be eighteen, and that's when my Ma got married.
The problem is, I don't know if I'd be ready for marriage. I know I'm more prepared than most of the other girls in the train. ( Think they'll have a rude awakenin'.) But am I ready spiritually? Someday I'll be raising my own children, Lord-willing, and I want to raise 'em to love God. And I want to be able to encourage my husband in the Lord. I have a long way to go.
I wait. And I watch. I'm not consumed with pretty dresses and such things like the other girls. I don't got the time to be. But I notice that the young fellas see those girls. And I notice that they don't pay me no mind.
Inside me there's a longing. A longing to be cherished and protected by one man. I believe God gave me such a feeling. But it is so hard to wait for God's man to come along for me. "Lord, how much longer do I need to prepare?" I ask God. And I feel in my heart that His answer is, "Till I tell you so." So I'm waiting. And I'm trying not to get jealous 'bout the attention the other girls get from the fellas.
In fact I almost feel like I avoid them as much as I can. I get sick of the girls and the way they flirt with the boys. Batting eyes, giggling at anything a fella says, complimenting even if the compliments are lies. Why can't a girl be liked if she has sense?
I walked with Susannah today. Tressy's got a cold and she rode in her wagon, so I got a good chance to talk to Susannah. We talked about lots of different things, and eventually the topic turned to boys, like I figured it would.
"My, there are so many fine prospects 'round here, aren't there, Callie?" Sometimes I think all a girl has to do is just-"
"Why do you call 'em that?" I cut her off.
"Call who what?" she blinked, caught off guard by my question.
"The fellas in our train. Why do you an' Tressy call 'em prospects?"
"Well, what else are they but prospects for marriage?"
"They're just fellas. They got feelings same as we do. They may not be lookin' to get married." I said, trying to keep my voice under control.
"It really rankles you, don't it?"
"Yeah, I guess it does."
"Why? Don't you wanna get married?"
"Course I do, someday. Maybe it's just that I don't like talkin' about them like they're just a hat you'd buy at a store. Just somethin' that you think about all the time, and you really like, but somethin' you don't really respect."
Susannah didn't say anything. I looked at her and said, " I upset you, didn't I?"
"No, you just made me think." Susannah looked back at me. "Thanks, Callie. I think you're right. But now what do I think about?" She said with a little laugh. "What do I do with my time? I used to spend it just lazin' around thinking of prosp- I mean, young men."
"Well, I don't think I ever had that problem, cause I've been takin' care of my family since my mama died." I said quietly. "Never had much time for thinkin', my hands were so busy. Maybe that's what you need to do. 'Stead of thinkin' about boys, start preparin' for marriage. Help your ma cook and clean. Learn while you're at it. Make what you can for a hope chest."
"You're a real help, ya know that, Callie?" Susannah linked arms with me. "I hope we get to be better friends."
It felt real good being a help. I hope Susannah really thinks about what I said.
May 11th, 1847
Today, as I followed the train, walking ever westward, I thought about what Susannah asked me yesterday, "Don't you ever wanna get married?" And I know that deep down the answer is yes. And someday is not as far off as I thought.
I told Susannah that yes, I did want to get married someday. But the more I thought about it, the sooner I want someday to be. I mean, I've always wanted to get married and have my own home and husband to care for. But now I'm older, and that dream of someday is getting to seem real. I'll soon be eighteen, and that's when my Ma got married.
The problem is, I don't know if I'd be ready for marriage. I know I'm more prepared than most of the other girls in the train. ( Think they'll have a rude awakenin'.) But am I ready spiritually? Someday I'll be raising my own children, Lord-willing, and I want to raise 'em to love God. And I want to be able to encourage my husband in the Lord. I have a long way to go.
I wait. And I watch. I'm not consumed with pretty dresses and such things like the other girls. I don't got the time to be. But I notice that the young fellas see those girls. And I notice that they don't pay me no mind.
Inside me there's a longing. A longing to be cherished and protected by one man. I believe God gave me such a feeling. But it is so hard to wait for God's man to come along for me. "Lord, how much longer do I need to prepare?" I ask God. And I feel in my heart that His answer is, "Till I tell you so." So I'm waiting. And I'm trying not to get jealous 'bout the attention the other girls get from the fellas.
In fact I almost feel like I avoid them as much as I can. I get sick of the girls and the way they flirt with the boys. Batting eyes, giggling at anything a fella says, complimenting even if the compliments are lies. Why can't a girl be liked if she has sense?
Comments