{thoughts on // God's will}

I typed this post up weeks ago and promptly lost it in my computer because I had to rush to make supper. And let's face it, I am not technologically inclined, so it took a while for me to find it again. I'm glad I did because it was something I really wanted to share since I've been learning about it so much lately. I finally found it today after an embarrassingly obvious search, so here you go!

I received news that shocked me today. Well, the news didn't shock me so much as my feelings in reaction to it. Anger, wonder, jealousy, sadness. All these emotions roiling through me and no one to talk to about it, to spill my pain and talk over my questions.

So I tried to distract myself by keeping busy. I filled the sink with soapy water and started on the dirty dishes, to no avail. 

I was surprised to find out how much I was resisting God's will. 

Here I am, twenty-four years old, with two kids, and having supposedly surrendered to His will for our family, and I don't like it. 

Maybe I shouldn't say I don't like it, because that wouldn't be completely true. I do like it here in Missouri among the hills and trees. The preaching at our new church has been spot-on. And it's been so, so good to have friends our own age to fellowship with. 

And yet it seemed like each day I was thinking of El Paso. Of our old church and the people there and how much I missed talking to them. Of BPS and the opportunity to serve and learn there. I mourned the fact that we wouldn't be raising our kids to watch God move mountains by faith. I missed the smell of the desert after the rain, and the sunsets, and the sight of some mountains even if they weren't exactly pretty. I somewhat missed the culture of El Paso. I even missed all the new people we met through the ministry. Me, the semi-introvert. Mrs. I'm-fine-sitting-in-my-corner-thank-you. 

In short, I missed our old lifestyle, and the chances we had there to do something big for God and watch him work, and raise our kids to see that God's miracles can be an everyday occurance if we simply ask. 

All these thoughts, all these emotions, all these questions swirling around in my head as much as the dishwater swirled around my hands in the sink. A few tears dripped in there too as I struggled to figure out why things were happening. 

And suddenly, I heard a song floating through my head. 

"Wherever He leads, I'll go...
Wherever He leads, I'll go...
I'll follow my Christ who loves me so,
Wherever He leads I'll go."

Amazing how sometimes it can be just a hymn that brings conviction instead of a Bible verse. 

Did I really mean that? Could I really say that I would go wherever He would lead? Because I wasn't acting like it.

I was living in my past. How could I say I would go where He leads when I am where He led and I'm not happy about it? It wasn't that I wasn't happy here, but I wished we were still in El Paso. I wished we were still serving at BPS. 

I wished God's will was different. I wished it hadn't changed for us. I was not content in God's will here because I thought I wasn't finished in God's will there. I felt like we had quit early. I felt like we could have done more at BPS if we were still there. 

And it was wrong to feel that way. God had closed the door there and told us to move on and I was still trying to crack it open or look through the peep hole at what could have been. When I should have been focusing on God's will for us now. The chapter currently unfolding. 

Maybe part of my discontent was my new role in God's will. Which is...perhaps still unfolding. But it seems to be a hole-filler. I suppose that felt mundane to me. I was a cook for an important ministry. I cleaned rooms for week-long missionaries. I was a chalk artist drawing gospel images. And now what? I do nursery twice a week. I play violin. I sing specials. I realized that the things I thought were mundane in El Paso were now glorified as something more important in God's will than baby duty. 

And the Lord struck my conscience again. Who was I to declare what was important in God's work? If God had called us here {and He had} then I had no right to say, "No thanks, God, I'm too good for that." It was my job to do what I'm doing at church with a good attitude and a joyful heart. I'm still working on that, but I'm getting there. 

So now what? Do I forget the past? Do I cast aside all the memories and lessons from El Paso? No. But I stop yearning. I stop looking over my shoulder or through the peep hole. I turn my attention to God and ask just what he wants me to do here, now. 

God's will may never make sense to me. It's not like I was wanting to live outside of His will so I could live a wicked lifestyle. But even to go back to a good lifestyle when it's not in His will is wrong. 

So I step away from the door. Trust that God knows what he's doing and that he closed that door for a reason. A better reason. Better for us. Better for me. Better for BPS, maybe. 

And once again, I am reminded to just trust.